I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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