I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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