i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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