You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
