im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Come see our sink grown plant.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
