After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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