Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You have to summon your inner elephant
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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