Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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