"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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