if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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