so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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