i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He shit in the fireplace
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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