hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
