oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
