I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
