GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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