she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize