In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
