Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
