And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
