I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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