I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
