No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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