I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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