Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
