god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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