Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
