I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
