She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
