i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
