I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
