I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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