Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
