Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
