Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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