yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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