no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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