i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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