he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
