my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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