Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize