Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
