In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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