I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
