i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I want her autograph on my taint
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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