According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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