Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
