Your face is a jimmy john
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
