Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
