All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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