My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
