so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
