So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize