About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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