Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize